Junk Food: Then vs. Now

A Love Letter to the Delicious, the Disastrous, and the Probably Toxic

Back in the ‘80s, Gen X kids had one sacred truth:If it was brightly colored, vaguely chemical, and left a stain on your fingers or soul, it was delicious.

Junk food wasn’t just food. It was a challenge.A dare.A lifestyle.A way to mainline joy while slowly turning your insides neon.

Today’s kids?They get organic fruit chews made with actual fruit and low-sugar oat milk frozen treats shaped like endangered animals.We got radioactive cheese dust and freeze-dried marshmallows that definitely weren’t legally food.

Let’s take a walk down this cracked-out grocery aisle of memory, shall we?

The Snacks of Our Youth (AKA: How Are We Still Alive?)

1. Tang Because who needs actual juice when you can mix neon orange moon powder into water and call it a drink? Vitamin C? Check. Flavor of industrial cleaning solvent? Also check.

2. Planters Cheez Balls Little puffed balls of salt and regret coated in a cheese dust so aggressive it required a power wash to remove from your skin. Came in a canister. Like tennis balls. Or nuclear waste.

3. Pop Rocks Tiny mouth grenades. Eat them alone? Fun. Mix them with Coke? Instant urban legend death. Every school had a cousin’s friend’s brother who “totally died” from that combo.

4. Garbage Pail Kids Gum Gum so stiff it felt like you were chewing drywall, paired with collectible cards that gave you nightmares.The taste lasted three chews. The trauma? Forever.

5. Jolt Cola Double the sugar. Double the caffeine. The official drink of staying up until 3 AM to question your existence.

6. Pudding Pops They were amazing. Creamy, icy perfection.They melted in exactly 0.7 seconds and fused permanently to your fingers like dessert napalm.

7. Silver Coke Ball Candies Hard as hell. Vaguely cola-flavored.Jawbreakers dipped in violence and wrapped in foil.One wrong crunch and your molars basically filed for disability.

8. Fizz A chalky sugar disc wrapped around powdered chaos.Tasted like citrus panic.Left your mouth raw and your soul confused — and we loved every second.

9. Candy Cigarettes Because nothing says “fun for kids” like simulated nicotine habits and chalky sugar.Sometimes they “smoked” when you blew on them.Yes. That was considered cool.

Today’s Junk Food: “Healthy,” Overpriced, and Emotionally Unavailable

Fast-forward to now, and junk food looks like it went to therapy and got a job at Whole Foods.

1. Flavored Air-Popped Chickpea Clusters It tastes like betrayal and beige. But don’t worry, it’s “gut-friendly.”

2. Avocado Ice Cream Because when I want dessert, I think:“You know what this needs? A smear of guacamole.”

3. 3. Organic Maple Quinoa Bars Yes, quinoa. In a bar. Held together with pure smug.They crumble before they hit your mouth — like dreams

4. Baked Kale Chips You lied to me. That’s not a chip. That’s garden shrapnel.

5. Chia Pudding Nothing says "fun snack" like swallowing something with the exact texture of mucus and the aftertaste of regret.

6. Flavored Water With a Vibe“Hints” of fruit.Tastes like someone thought about a raspberry while filling your glass with tap water.

The Evolution of Flavor (aka the Death of Fun)

In the ‘80s, flavors had purpose. They were loud. They were unnatural.If your tongue wasn’t stained for three hours, did you even snack?

Now?You get soft whispers of mango essence and a QR code to a wellness podcast.

Where’s the thrill?Where’s the heartburn?Where’s the high-fructose courage?

We Ate Chaos and Called It Lunch

Let’s be honest: we didn’t have “snack strategies” growing up.There were no chia seeds, no nutrition labels anyone could read without a degree in science, and certainly no peanut-free zones.

We didn’t know what half those ingredients were — and frankly, we didn’t care.MSG? That was just extra flavor.Red Dye No. 5? Bring it on.Expiration dates? More like suggestions.

Our lunches were a chemical experiment wrapped in foil and served with a juice box full of lies. We had Dunkaroos with a frosting-to-cookie ratio that could drop an elephant.We had Joe Louis, which were basically chocolate-covered energy bombs wrapped in foil and processed joy.We had Fun Dips, which were just straight sugar you licked off a stick made of slightly harder sugar.

Lunch was a crash course in chaos:

• A slice of bologna folded in a hot dog bun? Acceptable.

• A Wagon Wheel that had partially fused to the wrapper? Still good.

• A Little Debbie snack that survived a nuclear winter in your backpack? Elite.

Today’s kids get bento boxes with sushi rolls, raw almonds, cut fruit, and almond butter cups all shaped into edible art.  We got a crushed bag of hickory sticks and a warm can of Tahiti Treat.

And we were fine.Better than fine.We were forged in syrup, starch, and sheer will.

And we were grateful.

In Conclusion:

We survived on sugar, salt, and defiance.We were forged in the fires of artificial cheese powder and off-brand soda.We didn’t count macros.We counted how many Warheads we could suck on without weeping.

Today’s snacks may be better for your body, but ours built character.And probably mild liver damage.

But damn, they were worth it.