Living with the Weight of Goodbye: Currently

There are many areas of my life where I am ready to move forward, but right now, my biggest focus is moving forward after the loss of Dakota. The unbearable pain of this loss shaped me into someone I hardly recognized—angry, bitter, and weighed down by grief. And while I tried to contain it, that pain often radiated outward to others who didn’t deserve it.

The steps I’ve taken toward positive change started in 2021. Moving out of the house, immersing myself in nature, and learning to appreciate its beauty were the first steps. I quit smoking, making it easier to enjoy hiking, long walks, and bike rides without struggling with my asthma. But despite these efforts, I was still wallowing in sadness, heartbroken, and feeling like I didn’t want to be anywhere Dakota wasn’t.

This year—four years later—I decided I needed more. I started therapy, medication to help with emotional triggers, and this blog. Therapy, because I couldn’t pull myself out of the darkness alone. Medication, so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed by every little thing. And this blog, as a space to express myself, share my experiences, and process my journey. More than that, I hope it offers a sense of connection for others—for those on their own difficult paths or simply for someone who needs to know they aren’t alone.

In taking these steps, I reached out to Access Mental Health, who connected me with Calgary Counselling Centre, Grief Support, and Whittaker Wellness. Calgary Counselling Centre provided me with initial support and therapy. Grief Support allowed me to start processing my loss in a structured setting. Wittaker Wellness, which required a referral from my doctor, has introduced me to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy—a process that is helping me reconnect with myself and better understand my emotions.

One of the hardest aspects of grief support is confronting how loss has impacted every part of my life—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and personally. These sessions are gutting, peeling back layers of emotions I have spent years suppressing. They leave me raw, exhausted, and struggling to function for days after. Through my sessions at Wittaker Wellness, I’ve learned that bottling up my emotions isn’t the best way to cope. Instead of shutting down and pretending the pain isn’t there, I was encouraged to sit with my emotions—to let myself feel them in the moment. If I need to cry, I can do it in my car after a session. If I need to release frustration, I can engage in strenuous physical activity to lower the intensity of my emotions so I can process them properly.

Embracing this new chapter hasn’t been easy. At first, it felt like letting go—and that terrified me. But I’m learning that’s not the case. I am not letting go of my son, my dad, or my mom. My love for them isn’t going anywhere. The only thing I’m releasing is the internal torment that has kept me stuck in grief for so long. I want to remember them and the memories we shared without only feeling sadness. I want to smile at the memories and share who they were with love instead of sorrow.

So much has already changed for me emotionally. I am not as bitter. I still cry sometimes because I miss them, but it’s no longer every single day. I feel more content in my life and less angry at the world. More than anything, I am finally reconnecting with the person I was meant to be—the person I buried under years of pain. For so long, I pushed that version of myself deeper inside, allowing the quick-tempered, reactive version of me to take over. Now, I want to be someone who can pause, consider other perspectives, and approach life with understanding.

I want to be happy again. To have dreams and aspirations that feel real and possible. And I believe this journey will help me get there.

#griefjourney #missmyson #lossofalovedone #lossofachild #griefsupport #boldstepsforward #saytheirnames

Miss them all