Not Until We Are Lost

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."—Henry David Thoreau

This quote has stayed with me—it speaks so clearly to my journey.

Lately, people have been telling me that I look better than I have in years. I don’t always see it myself, but maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s because I’ve started making real, lasting changes in my life. One of those changes is a therapeutic practice called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It’s about going inward, digging deep, and truly meeting yourself—your real self. And let me tell you, that has been a game changer.

I’m discovering parts of myself I had buried, rejected, or straight-up despised. And strangely enough, getting to know those parts has been healing. This work—this inner excavation—has been both selfish and selfless. Selfish, because I genuinely want to feel better. Selfless, because I’ve noticed how my healing has positively impacted those around me. I’m not as quick to snap. My moods don’t spill out onto others the way they used to. I can now pause and ask myself, What part of me is feeling this way? Instead of being consumed by emotion, I’m learning to sit with it, understand it, and let it move through me without letting it take over.

There’s peace in that.

I’m also making decisions based on what I truly want or need—not what my mood demands in the moment. And when I feel angry, I no longer beat myself up for it (because yes, I used to get angry about being angry—eyeroll included). Now, I try to sit with that anger. I ask where it’s coming from. Is it real? Is it rooted in something deeper? And once I know, I decide what I need: a good cry, a heartfelt conversation, or even just a hot shower to wash away the emotional residue.

For the first time in my adult life, I’m getting to know who I really am—not the version of me that others expected or wanted, but me. The me underneath it all.

And while I’m proud of the growth, there’s also sorrow. Because the road that brought me here was paved with profound loss. I wish it hadn’t taken such a brutal tragedy to get me to this place. I wish Dakota, Mom, and Dad were still here to witness this transformation. To see me not just surviving, but starting to thrive.

But even though they’re not physically here, I carry them with me. And maybe part of this healing—this understanding of myself—is how I honour them now.

#boldstepsforward #healingjourney #growth #missmyson #lossofalovedone #findingmyself