Grief vs. Depression: Understanding the Difference and How to Cope with Both

Tammy Landsiedel
Apr 17
5 min read

After experiencing significant loss, it can be difficult to know what you’re actually feeling. Is it grief? Is it depression? Is it both? And how are you supposed to cope with something you can barely define? These are questions I wrestled with deeply after losing both my son Dakota and my father within days of each other. For a long time, I didn’t know what to call the pain. I just knew I wasn’t okay.

Over the years, I’ve learned that while grief and depression can look similar on the outside, they are not the same thing—and knowing the difference has helped me make room for healing.

What Is Grief?

Grief is a natural emotional response to loss. According to the American Psychological Association, grief is not a disorder or a weakness, but a necessary process for healing after loss. It encompasses a wide range of emotions: sadness, anger, yearning, disbelief, guilt, even relief. It can also come with physical symptoms like fatigue, appetite changes, and brain fog.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the idea of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, modern psychology emphasizes that these stages are not linear or universal. We may experience some, all, or none of them in a different order. Grief is uniquely personal.

In my own experience, grief has been unpredictable. Some days I feel a crushing sadness. Other days I remember Dakota or my dad and find myself smiling through tears, or even having a laugh without tears at all. Grief doesn’t disappear, but it does evolve.

What Is Depression?

Depression, particularly Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), is a clinical condition characterized by a persistent low mood and a loss of interest or pleasure in most activities. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), depression must last at least two weeks and interfere with daily functioning.

Symptoms can include:

Persistent sadness or emptiness
Hopelessness
Fatigue
Appetite or sleep changes
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Difficulty concentrating
Suicidal thoughts or behaviors

Unlike grief, which tends to come in waves and is linked to a specific loss, depression is more constant and pervasive. It often impacts a person’s view of themselves, their life, and their future.

Biologically, depression involves imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. (Mayo Clinic, 2023)

Key Differences Between Grief and Depression

Grief	Depression
Comes in waves	Persistent low mood
Triggered by a specific loss	May arise without a clear cause
Maintains self-esteem	Often involves self-loathing
Can feel bittersweet	Feels empty or hopeless
Focused on the lost person	General negative view of life/self
Connection and hope still possible	Hopelessness dominates

It’s important to note that the two can overlap. You can be grieving and also experience clinical depression. When this happens, it can complicate both diagnosis and recovery.

When Grief Becomes Depression

In some cases, grief becomes prolonged and debilitating. This is known as Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), now recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR). PGD is characterized by intense longing for the deceased, difficulty accepting the loss, and significant functional impairment that persists beyond 12 months.

Signs that grief may have shifted into depression include:

Inability to function in daily life
Withdrawal and isolation from others
Persistent feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
Thoughts of suicide or wishing life would end

If your grief begins to consume your ability to live, it’s important to speak with a mental health professional. You are not weak for needing help—you are human.

My experience:My grief was unbearable for years. I struggled deeply with not having Dakota here with me. Sleep was nearly impossible, work became incredibly difficult, and I completely isolated myself (and, if I’m being honest, I still do this sometimes). The feelings of hopelessness can’t be overstated—I despised everything, especially myself.

It felt like nothing would ever be the same again, and I doubted I could ever function as an adult without him in my life. I wasn't just grieving my son; I was grieving the version of myself that existed when he was alive. I couldn’t imagine a future where I felt whole again.

There were moments where I wished I could just be where he was—not in an actively suicidal way, but in a deep, aching way that made the idea of continuing feel unbearable. I didn’t want to keep living in a world where he wasn’t. But I did. And I’m still here. Healing slowly, painfully, but moving forward in the ways that I can.

How to Cope with Grief, Depression, or Both

Coping with Grief

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions without judgment
Create rituals to honor your loved one
Share stories or write letters to them
Join grief support groups or counseling
Practice mindfulness and grounding exercises

For me, I started donating to a charity in Dakota’s name every year on his birthday. One year it was the Diabetes Foundation. Another, an animal shelter in honor of his cat Nala. These small acts gave me a sense of connection and purpose in my grief.

Coping with Depression

Seek professional help: therapy, counseling, or medication
Build daily routines and structure
Exercise or move your body
Challenge negative thoughts with self-compassion
Connect with loved ones, even if it’s difficult

Coping When Both Are Present

Be patient with yourself: healing doesn’t follow a timeline
Learn to sit with pain without trying to fix it right away
Mix grief rituals with mental health tools
Remind yourself that it's okay to ask for help more than once

When to Seek Help

You should consider seeking professional help if:

Your grief hasn’t eased at all after several months
You’re struggling to function in everyday life
You have persistent thoughts of death or suicide

There is no shame in asking for help. Therapy saved me from drowning in my own pain more than once. It gave me tools, language, and the space to fall apart safely.

Final Thoughts

Grief and depression don’t come with manuals. They hit hard, they linger, and some days they make it feel like you’ll never come up for air again. Grief isn’t romantic, and depression isn’t just sadness. They’re both heavy, exhausting, and sometimes ugly. And if you’re feeling like you’re drowning in either one, you're not alone.

I’ve been there. I’m still there, some days. I don’t have the answers. I’ve broken down more times than I can count, and I’ve hated myself for not being “better” by now. But I’m learning—slowly, painfully, honestly. And if you’re learning too, even if you’re crawling through it on your hands and knees, just know this: we don’t have to do it alone. We’re figuring it out together.

Sources:

American Psychological Association. (2023). Grief. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Depression. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression
Mayo Clinic. (2023). Depression (major depressive disorder). https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). DSM-5-TR: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision.