Why Self-Care Is Not Selfish: Learning to Put Yourself First Again

Tammy Landsiedel
Apr 23
3 min read

Somewhere along the line, many of us were taught that self-care was indulgent, even selfish. That taking time for ourselves was something to feel guilty about. That our needs were only worth meeting after everyone else had theirs met. But the truth is, putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Science backs that up.

The Science of Self-Care

Self-care isn't just a buzzword tossed around on social media. It is a scientifically supported practice that contributes to improved mental, emotional, and physical health. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), self-care is defined as "the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider."

Engaging in regular self-care has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression, improve concentration, increase happiness, reduce stress, and even improve energy levels (APA, 2022). Studies have also shown that neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, lowered immunity, and a decline in overall well-being.

Learning It’s Okay to Put Yourself First

"This is yet another one that I am still working on. The idea that I don't have to feel guilty if I need time to myself. I don't have to feel guilty if I want to listen to my audiobook instead of my surroundings. I don't have to feel guilty if I want to take a day off."

These are real, lived truths. Many of us struggle with unlearning the belief that everyone else should come first. But healing and growth demand energy, and if you're running on empty, you can't give your best to anyone else.

It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to reach inward and sit with those feelings. To not let anyone else dictate what you should feel or how you should move through pain. Your only job is to do what’s best for you.

Self-Care Looks Different for Everyone

"For me, self-care has been so many different things at different times. I read a lot—over 20 books already this year, plus more than 10 audiobooks. I read to live in other spaces, to keep my mind sharp, and to distract myself when grief creeps in."

There is no one-size-fits-all model of self-care. What helps one person might do nothing for another, and that’s okay. The key is tuning in to what you need, not what someone else tells you should work.

Self-care might look like journaling, therapy, or taking a nap. It might be spending time in nature, setting boundaries, or saying "no" to something that drains your energy.

"When I shower, it's a ritual. I crank the water to scorching hot and imagine all the ick being scalded off my body and pushed down the drain. It's how I release the day."

Small rituals like this are powerful. They allow us to feel control, to let go, and to reset. That matters more than many people realize.

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty

Guilt often gets in the way of self-care. But guilt is not a moral compass. It’s often a reaction to social conditioning, especially for women, caregivers, and trauma survivors. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, emphasizes that treating ourselves with the same care we give others leads to greater resilience and emotional strength (Neff, 2011).

"Sometimes I play games on my phone while the TV is on in the background. It’s not high-level mindfulness, but it lets my brain breathe."

These moments matter. Self-care doesn’t always have to be deep or productive. It can be light, easy, and even silly. The goal is peace, not perfection.

Tools for Building a Self-Care Practice

Start small: One healthy habit is better than none. Even five minutes of breathing or journaling makes a difference.
Listen to your body: Fatigue, irritability, and burnout are signs you need a break.
Set boundaries: Learn to say no without guilt.
Prioritize joy: Do things that make you feel alive—for no other reason than because they do.
Track what helps: Keep a journal of what works for you and revisit it when you feel lost.

"I write—not just this blog. I write in my journal, on sticky notes, in therapy sessions, after research dives, or even just to dump all the mental muck. It clears space in my head and makes room for healing."

Final Thoughts

Self-care is about survival. About learning how to live again when life has tried to break you. About understanding that your needs matter, and that honoring them is not weakness—it’s strength.

You are not selfish for choosing yourself.

You are healing.

And healing takes everything.

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